Jack and the Magic Beans


When the cow was fat, Jack's wife said: "Now is the time. Take the cow to the market so that the butcher can chop off it's head." Jack looked at the cow and saw that it was getting pretty fat. So Jack tied a rope around the cow's neck and lead it off to town.

"Where are we going?" asked the cow after a while.

"We're going to the market," said Jack, "because you're fat and it's time to have the butcher chop off your head."

The cow thought about this for a minute and said: "If I had known you were going to cut off my head when I got fat, I would have eaten a little less every day."

"I'm sure," said Jack.

"Listen," said the cow after a minute, "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather you not cut my head off."

"I'm sure," said Jack.

"Can I make a deal with you?" said the cow.

"I'm all ears."

"If you just, like, let me go, I'll show you where you can get some magic beans."

"Magic beans?" said Jack, "really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

Jack knew this to be a particularly honest cow so he agreed. Jack took the rope from around the cows neck and she lead him across the county, through a valley of thistles and up a hill to a small clearing.

"Where are the beans?" asked Jack.

"There around here somewhere," said the cow, "you've got to look." Jack looked around.

"All I can see are these acorns," said Jack after a through search of the area.

"Did I say beans?" said the cow, "I meant acorns. These are the magic acorns."

"Cool," said Jack and he stuffed his pockets with them. "What exactly are these acorns good for? I mean, what do they do?"

"Well," said the cow, and thought a minute, "if you use them right, they could one day save your life."

"Groovy," said Jack, "that sounds pretty useful."

The cow wandered off and Jack pranced back home.

"Where's the cow?" said his wife, "did the butcher chop it's head off? I'm hungry."

"No," said Jack, "I, uh, I let the cow go and it gave me some magic acorns."

"Magic acorns?!" said his wife, "really?"

Jack showed her the acorns.

"Bonus!" she said, "It's always good to have some magic acorns."

"Sure `nuff," said Jack. They put the acorns in a box on the shelf and waited for them to do something magical. A couple of years went by and nothing happened, so they sort of forgot about them. Then one day Jack was out in the woods and he came across an enormous beanstalk that grew right up into the clouds.

"Wow," said Jack, "I wonder what's at the top of this beanstalk?" So he climbed up it. It took a long time. When he got to the top he saw that he was looking a fearsome giant right in the eye.

"Holy moly," said Jack.


"Fee Fie Fo Fum!" said the giant in a booming voice. The giant picked Jack off the top of the bean stalk and was about to pop him in his mouth when Jack shrieked: "Don't eat me!"

"What?" boomed the giant.

"Don't eat me!" repeated Jack, "If you, like, let me go, I can give you some magic acorns."

"Magic acorns?" said the giant, "really?"

"Yes! Really!" said Jack, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. The giant thought about it for a long time.

"Okay," he said finally, "I can always use magic acorns." So Jack led the giant back to his house and took down the wooden box from the shelf.

"Here you go," said Jack.

"Cool," said the giant and lumbered off.

"Wow," said Jack's wife when she'd had a chance to assess the situation, "it's a darn good thing we had those magic acorns."